Hey, it’s been a little while.
So I have a story. Not a good one. But a story nonetheless.
Once upon a time, I had a crazy dream that I wanted to start a entertainment studio.
Why? Simple. Because I wanted to improve humanity. And to do that, I wanted to positively influence culture by making awesome games that could be fun and enriching to play.
And so I started my first “business” in college and hired a team of people I met on craigslist and a few people I met at my school after posting ads all over the campus.
We had it all figured out. We’d do a Revshare gig and work on our first title that would make it big. All we’d need to do is make our own video game engine and the game and then boom. Ez.
Well as you can imagine… that didn’t work out too well. At all.
Instead, after working together for about a year, we tappered off. Some work got done (if any) and eventually, I realized that if I wanted to make a game. I really had a lot to learn.
So fast forward into the future, I graduated from school with a diploma and a major having nothing to do what I wanted in life and I went off to join the good ol real world.
It was terrible of course.
Every day, wake up, work out, go to work, come home, cool down, eat, sleep, wake up.
Every. Single. Day.
And meanwhile that I was doing, though related to tech, was not going to help me make games.
So I left and decided to teach myself the skills I needed to make the games I wanted to make.
I tried a few programms and eventually stuck to one where I studied like a nut for half a year.
12 hours a day for 6 months straight, I tried to learn everything I could. And eventually, I got “okay” at the basics.
But could I make games now? Not sure. But web development wasn’t very interesting to me. Nor was programming unless it had to do with games. Then I could bite.
Unforunately, I was curesed with the ability to only desire to make RPGs, which are maybe the hardest possible game genre one could try to make… if not the most expensive.
But eitherway, I could not stop as there was nothing else in life that mattered to me anyway.
So I spent a year on a journey making a game- no- A universe. One that I’ve had in my heart for a very very long time. And it wasn’t before long that I had finally managed to make even just a fraction of it a reality.
I planned so hard. I made budgets, spent countless months hiring people with money I saved up, made project plans, an incredibly detailed game design doc, binge-watched Extracredits videos, you name it.
And after a years time, I had made a game. It wasn’t perfect. It sure as hell wasn’t good. However, it wasn’t bad either. But most importantly, it was mine.
But all this time, after a year of work, hour by hour, what was once a project of love, began to turn into my only means of accomplishing my long term goal.
I began to lose what I.D. meant to me. I could see the flaws in the game for sure, but the stress of considering the effort and time it would take to fix them and the sacrifices I’d make to my life to make this thing happen began to plague my mind.
And so, knowing what it took to make this dream happen, I set off to talk to any publisher who would have an ear to listen, not really expecting much.
However, to my suprise, a few publishers responded. Not overwhelmingly well of course. But more than I expected.
And at the end of the day, we had concluded that what I have is almost good, but is just missing some things.
Of course, I wasn’t exactly devestated by this. But it meant that I’d have to do more work on my game.
But… reality started to rear it’s ugly head. You can only live off savings for so long 😀
And so, I returned to the workforce and anytime I even though of working on I.D. my heart would sink. Not because of the serious work it needs. Not because the combat system needs to be redone. And not because I didn’t believe in it’s success.
It was because everytime I looked at the game. All I could think about was how it could be my future. How it might be a path for me to achieve my dream. And just that.
I got confused. What about other paths I could take? Why just this one? And one that’s so hard?
Should I make a smaller game? Should I write a book? It would be cheaper. Should I do this? Should I do that? What would be more efficient?
And before I knew it. I basically went crazy. I had forgotten why I loved making games. I had forgotten that games were the only thing that really taught me how to love.
But now. That time of confusion need to be end.
For too long now, I’ve been so paralyze with what to do. Trying to figure out the best strategy. Trying to find partners. Trying to build a team. Going to networking events. Running into a lot of empty promises.
Wondering if I should just take 10 years to become a master developer? Should I spend my time trying to get into the AAA industry? Is that really for me?
I’ve thought about a lot of things. And didn’t realize that it was all based on one thing.
Everything I considered was about achieving me dream. Or so I thought. But really, it was about doing so as quickly as possible. It was about not enjoying my journey to create something, but desperately trying to hack out a result.
I know that there are people who have seemed to figure things out already. I know that there are people younger than me who have already accomplished or are soon to accomplish what I desire.
And to them (I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t a tiny bit super jealous sometimes) I think that their path is their own. And Mine is mine.
I’m where I am. Here now. For reasons that were both within my control and some that were not. But regardless. I won’t forget why I’m even alive.
I won’t forget what making games means to me.
I won’t sacrifice my joy. Not any more.
I hardly get a chance to be happy and I don’t want to trade that for anything.
And so for now, I will continue to work on Immortal Doctrine. At my own pace nonetheless.
I won’t stress about it’s future and I won’t stress about my own either.
At this point, I want to just focus on enjoying the process of developing, designing and playing games.
I will focus on the joy of learning things, not because I need to do so to make more money. But, because it is something that I enjoy.
And with that. I will continue to grow and improve I.D.
Maybe I’ll try to make a marketing campaign. Maybe not.
If people never learn about my game. That will just have to be how it goes.
But I will continue to learn a lot and make it the best game I can.
And if I can make just a few people happy with it. I think I can call it a life.
Thanks for reading
twill14 (transitioning to luminPhantom since it’s about time I had a better interwebs name)